The One I Don’t Want to Write
This one’s been in my head for a while. I’ve written it and saved it, not yet ready to publish it. To admit to it. But I need to. It’s time. You see dear readers, I wasn’t exactly honest about something. That something? #6
Oh where do I begin? Was it because we slept together anyway, even after (and before) I knew he didn’t want/couldn’t have/wasn’t ready for a relationship? But after we slept together that first time it could have stopped there. I could have said, “I want more #6. I want a relationship.” But I didn’t. Instead we found ourselves naked and breathless on a growing number of occasions, with no talk of making it anything more.
I knew he wasn’t ready. Truth be told, he really need not confess his ex had fucked him up, I’d have figured it out quickly. One morning when he was driving me home after our overnight tryst I said, “You’ve got good taste in music,” referring to the CD playing on his stereo. “Not me,” he replied, “my ex-girlfriend.” I looked out the window, wishing I could see the stars in the early morning sky.
“I know I should stop,” I confessed to my best friend, “I’m too old to play this game. This, ‘if we keep sleeping together maybe it’ll become a relationship’ game. It’s exhausting. I want more.”
“I know you know,” she said. “Remember Andrew?”
I sighed. Andrew. Turned out he was engaged to a woman living halfway around the world while he was sleeping with me, settling into a comfortable Sunday afternoon routine of football at his place. He was my rebound after my marriage ended, so I wasn’t exactly in what I would call a good place emotionally or mentally, and I didn’t necessarily want a relationship with him. I also knew he was seeing someone, I just didn’t know the extent of his relationship with her… Perhaps I didn’t want to know. We women are great at hearing what we want to hear, believing what we want to believe. And we did have a blast on New Year’s:
“I remember. I just…” I trailed off. I just what exactly? The problem is #6 has never been a prick or an asshole or anything like that. He’s a nice guy. We get along. He’s ridiculously good looking. He’s a runner (I can’t resist!). And when we see one another we seem to always end up in bed. It’s delicious. It’s also maddening to then not hear from him. To not pick up the phone and scream, “You’re sleeping with me, you could at least call me from time to time!” Of course I’m smart enough to know that if he’s not calling it’s becuase he’s not interested, I’m no fool…
I don’t even know what the purpose of this post is… Is this my albatross? Is this what I must do in order to rid myself of him? Must I admit it here, in order to say “I deserve better?”
I know I deserve better. I’ve been single for a while. I’m ready for more. I want more. The problem is I want more with him. But if I don’t stop this soon he’s gonna hurt me, intentionally or not. And then I’ll be the one saying, “I’m too fucked up… I’m not ready…”
And so, this is where it needs to end. Right now. I want more. I’m not gonna settle for less.
I admire your strength to admit and these things. Some people never can. You are a strong woman and deserve nothing but the best!
Dangerous territory. Get out, get out, get out. If he chases you back, then you’re golden. If he doesn’t and you give in, you’re selling yourself far too short.
Don’t forget - you ROCKED last night. You had great resolve… and I know you can do it. As we discussed on Tuesday - you deserve sooo much more. And you’ll find it… don’t you worry. You are a GREAT catch.
Ben is right. If he eventually chases, maybe. You know…as long as it’s not for a booty call. I was glad to get your text last night.
You don’t need to get hurt. You need someone FABULOUS….who will also want more!!
xo.
Stop doing the booty call thing (him AND you). The emotional tie isn’t there from what I glean in your post.
You’re in the DC area now, plenty of fish in that sea, I know, I went there a lot when I was single to hang out with a buddy of mine (formerly in Alexandria, now Manassas) and the sea is full of single people. Go trolling for a new dinner ….. Wish I could point you to a good single, but all I know are now involved or deploying to the Middle East shortly ….
Its amazing the games our minds will play to keep us from seeing/ accepting fact. But there isn’t anything wrong with engaging in something that feels good as long as you do see/ accept it for what it is. Ok…. just my two cents. BTW found your blog through our little hasher online community and I am simply in love. You have a beautiful writing style.
http://klawless.wordpress.com/
This is a great website regarding dating. Good, well thought out writing and interesting entries. I read it just to make sure I am doing things right by my wife, too.
Luck and Happiness!!
Craig
I still think it is more the generation of boys you are dating - just immature boys that don’t know what they want, so how could they possible know and give you what you want?
Do you know what you want? If it’s the occasional romp then stick with the guy, if you want more, then really you are getting to the point in life that you should let him (or the next guy) know what you want up front. But for the LOVE OF GOD, stay away from the married or engaged men!!! Just bad news all around and never works out for anyone.
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[...] night I went out with #6. I know people, I said I was done with him. Well I lied. No, I didn’t lie, I intended to be done with him but when he dropped me a line [...]