Word Perv

During a recent slightly-tipsy conversation with KP, he confided he’d discovered his Super Powers. Eager to know what they were (could he fly?! See through brick walls - or even better - clothing?! Become invisible?! Quack like a duck?!), I quickly inquired as to what these newly discovered super powers were.

“I have the uncanny ability to buy shit I don’t need simply because it’s on sale! For example, I just bought an iPod Video 30 GB. Why? Because it was on sale. What the fuck do I need with 3 iPods? I mean, really…who needs 3 iPods?!”

It was hard to argue with his logic, after all, who really needs three iPods? Now I realize, dear readers, this doesn’t seem to be a super power, and admittedly, it’s not your run-of-the-mill Superman type of super power. But imagine how he could help people? Especially those living on a fixed budget but dying - simply dying - to have a new iPod or other such  gizmo, gadget or item. They would shine their light in the sky (what would the symbol be you ask? Perhaps a giant % which signifies a 50% off sale?!), and KP - aka Super Sale Buying Guy - would come driving in (remember, he can’t fly or leap tall buildings with a single bound!), scooping them up and delivering them at the nearest Best Buy. Oh yes, he’d be a hero to millions.

Ironically, KP isn’t the only one to discover his super powers this week, as Chris over at surviving myself recently posted about his super power: the ability to fix the ever-elusive jammed stapler. Yes, he’d swoop into cubicles across the land to fix this problem so many of us suffer from. I bet he’d even do it without swearing as I’m wont to do.

All of this talk of super powers got me wondering what mine might be. Suddenly it hit me that I too possess super powers and I hadn’t even realized it! My super power: the ability to walk in 4″ stiletto heels, also known as FMPs. That’s Fuck Me Pumps for those of you not yet in the know. Again, this doesn’t seem like the best super power, but I’m tellin’ ya - it is. Because the ability to walk in these super sexy heels has the uncanny ability to make men weak in the knees and women green with envy. Now you may be wondering how I plan to use this super power to better all of human-kind. Well, it’s simple. I’ll teach women - and any cross-dressing, drag queen, or transgendered person - how to walk in these beauties without falling down. Thereby allowing them a little bit of the power that comes with wearing super sexy high heels.

Combine the three of us and we’d make one helluva super hero team. I insist we all wear capes.